How I Became Liberated by a Fence
Free-write on enmeshment, self-discovery, and liberation.
It took awhile to see beyond the blurred edges. To feel beyond my rusted heart. From years of neglect. From years of pouring myself into others. I had nothing left inside me, but the energy to admit that the life I had built was nothing more than disguised enmeshment that had now become a silent barrier fencing me off from my self.
I had lived life looking outside of myself for so long, I didn’t even know I was doing it to be honest. The constant looking to others for direction, inspiration, confirmation, support — the list goes on. It got so bad that the edges of reality seemed to blur around me, as the tunnel vision got smaller, and all I could focus on was chasing that thing, where I never bothered to stop and question anything at all.
Like the Moon, I had phases where I was full of energy and enthusiasm. I was social and flitted about like a butterfly with friends around town. Trying to be whatever it was I needed to be in the moment - hoping that the attention, the connections, the fun, the laughs would give me whatever it was I was searching for — not knowing it was my Self I was needing.
There were other phases where I kept to myself — like a New Moon hidden in the sky, but still there just out of sight. The shadows of sadness, doubt, fear, and insecurities of not being enough waned heavily through me where all I could do was stay afloat during those times.
One thing remained throughout each phase though — the fence — this enmeshment I had with needing to be validated, recognized, needed, or seen, as if that would be the key to unlocking of my woes. No matter the highs or the lows, there was always this thing that was missing.
And the truth is I was never truly fenced in. I could walk around at any time. The thing that kept me there was a lack of understanding myself, as well as not seeing the potential I had inside. The thing that was missing was me.
Finally, this fence became a mere boundary that allowed me to propel all my energy back into myself. It was freeing, it was liberating. Like a breath of fresh air.
Over time, with certain interests and hobbies, I began to shift my perspective to a more objective mindset, which helped expand my awareness and how I experienced the world. This gave me the necessary distance between what I thought I needed to be and who I actually was. With this newfound clarity, I continued exploring all the things that allowed me to dive deeper into myself and all the nuances contained within.
I had never felt more empowered in my life. That’s when I realized that awareness is the doorway to transformation, where freedom and liberation to be yourself is sitting on the other side.
So maybe this idea of a fence isn’t so much about keeping us locked in, it’s about using it as a catalyst to discover ourselves and what we’re capable of when we dare to step around the confines of what we thought we knew about ourselves and the world we live in.
And so it turns out that the key to your cage often times is your Self, but if you don’t know who you are, how will you liberate yourself? I dare you to find out now, before death comes knocking on your door, and you find it’s too late to walk around that fence.
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